For most people, the holiday season is a wonderful time of year. It is often a time of family reunion, socializing, and celebration - a time when families, friends, and coworkers come together to share good will and good food. The season is meant to be bright, happy, and full of the best of relationships. Yet, for those who suffer with eating disorders, this is often the worst time of the year. For those who are trapped in the private hell of anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder, the Holidays often magnify their personal struggles, causing them great internal pain and turmoil.Over the past few years, during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season I have felt horrible. I felt trapped and like the food was out to get me. I lied on endless occasions to avoid all of the parties and big dinners that go along with the holidays. I felt horrible about my body and did not want anyone to see me eat for fear they would make judgments about me." Eighteen-year-old woman These quotes from women suffering from anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating reveal the emotional intensity they feel during the holiday season. Their fear of gaining weight and becoming, in their minds, fat, gross, and disgusting, is the monster they must deal with every time they partake of any of the foods that are so wonderful and common to the holidays.
At Center for Change, we have asked many patients over the years to share from their private experiences what the Holidays have been like during the years they suffered with an eating disorder. The women quoted in this article are of different ages, but all suffered with the illness for many years. As you read the following passages you will feel something of the agony of suffering with an eating disorder at this festive time of year.
"My life with an eating disorder during the holidays is a living hell - constant hiding and fear, confused about life and hating every moment being surrounded by food. There was so much pressure, so many stares and glances, and days with endless comments. My whole life was a mess. There was so much pain and guilt inside of me and I didn't know where to turn, except to my eating disorder. I hated the pressure of eating the food, the constant worrying of offending others." -Twenty-two-year-old woman "It's hard to be around all the food and festivities. When I'm hurting inside and struggling with what "normal" food portions even are, I need the help, emotional understanding, and support of family and other people. "Handle with care, but please handle." Accept me the way I am. Let me back in the family" -Twenty-three-year-old woman.The Hidden Beast of Holiday Feasts Tales of Bulimia and Binge Eating.On the other end of the eating disorder spectrum, a woman with severe bulimia or binge eating disorder finds the holidays are a genuine nightmare because there is so much emphasis on food that they become preoccupied with it. Binge eating and subsequent purges become even more prevalent because many of the foods and sweets that are associated with holiday celebrations are very enticing to them. The holidays can be a time of convenient indulgence, but also a time of great shame and self-reproach because of their secret life. Some even use the binge eating and/or purging as a form of self-punishment throughout the holidays.
Women who suffer with binge eating or bulimia often live out this painful eating disorder hell in private and in secret, and often feel great self contempt. To many of their family and friends things may look positive and normal even while the sufferer feels significant despair and negativity about their loss of self-control. Those whose family members know about their eating disorder carry this awful feeling that they are the main attraction at the holiday dinner, where every trip to the food or to the bathroom is seen as a major defeat and disappointment to their family.Christmas is the hardest time with my bulimia. So much food, so much love, and so much joy, but I could not feel the love or joy, so I indulged in the food as a replacement. It was hard to see everyone so happy before I made the trek to the bathroom. I felt unworthy to be happy. I didn't deserve the love and joy. I've discovered that if I can focus on the love and joy, everything else falls into place" -Eighteen-year-old-woman
Some of the painful consequences of binge eating and bulimia are found in the time, planning, and dishonesty that is required to protect and cover up their eating disorder during the holidays. They often feel hatred for themselves for the ongoing deception to family and friends to excuse or explain their behaviors. In addition, they live in constant fear of being "found out" by their significant others, or in fear of continually letting others down because of their inability to stop their compulsive behaviors. Family and Friends - Turning Potential Triggers into Gifts of Support Holiday ideals epitomize what is good about family and other personal relationships. Activities during this time of year can involve family members and friends in intense and often emotional ways. Unfortunately, those with eating disorders can find it terrifying to be emotionally close with other people. In such situations they may feel vulnerable and unsafe, and then revert to their eating disorder to restore a sense of control and self-protection.
Some family dynamics, such as conflict, can be triggering to those with eating disorder difficulties. Struggles with perfectionism, feelings of rejection, disapproval, and fear of being controlled, are all cited frequently by women who suffer with the illness. Harboring strong feelings and beliefs that parents, family members, or friends find them unacceptable, inadequate, or disappointing is challenging for anyone, but is particularly devastating to someone with a painful eating disorder. Being immersed in a family setting during the holidays has the potential to dredge up old issues, fears, conflicts, and worries about family relationships. The resulting emotional disruption can feed the eating disorder and exacerbate the problem.Holidays, with all the food and family commotion, are pure hell when you have an eating disorder. For me, when the focus isn't on food and is on the real reason for the holiday, it's a big help. My family helped me out with this one, but I had to do most of it internally. Remember, it's just food, and we have more power than food." -Thirty-nine-year-old woman
The following suggestions resulted from a survey question we asked patients in treatment: "What three suggestions do you have for family and friends who want to help the holiday season go a little better for a loved one suffering with an eating disorder?" The women offering these suggestions range in age from fourteen to forty-four, and their suggestions offer some valuable insight and understanding that could be helpful to you as a friend or a family member. Being compassionate about the struggles of the eating disorder illness can help make the Holidays less of a battle for those you love. The suggestions are: Do not make a big issue about what your loved one is eating. A little bit of encouragement is okay. - Do not focus too much on food, it may only fuel the eating disorder. - Ask her how she is doing and see if she needs any help. - Do not become angry about how the she feels, just do your best to support her. - Offer a lot of support and be aware of what may be creating anxiety and try and understand what she feels. Be understanding, kind, and supportive. - Spend quality time with your loved one. - Make sure that the primary focus of the holiday is not on the food but rather on the family and the valued time you will share together. - Allow for other activities that do not involve food, such as games, singing carols together, opening gifts, decorating, and spending time just talking together. - Allow her to make a dish that she would feel comfortable eating. - Before the Holiday itself, and before family gatherings, make agreements about how you can best help your loved one with food. Honor the agreements you make. - Do not give her loud and attention drawing praise when she does eat. - Do not talk about diets, weight loss, or weight gain. It causes great anxiety and may increase a felt need to engage in eating disorder behavior. - Do not stare. - Learn enough about the illness and the triggers to help your loved one develop skills as well as strategies to defy eating disorder thoughts and urges. - Know something about her struggles, triggers, and behaviors. Then, if you see those, you can approach her after a meal in private and suggest ways she might be helped in some of those behaviors and learn ways you can be helpful and supportive. - If you see her struggling, ask if she wants to talk, but ask this in private. - Focus on how she is feeling inside, what issues she is worrying about, what her fears are, what she needs, rather than just how much she is eating or not eating. - Try not to focus too much attention on the eating disordered behaviors. - Be patient and nurturing. - Treat her with love and respect no matter what is going on. - Let her know that she is loved. - Help her take her mind off of food by generating a conversation with her about general or important topics. - Don't allow her to excessively isolate. - Be there for her emotionally and physically with hugs and messages of love.
The importance of these quotes from clients in treatment for anorexia is found in their honest expression of the tremendous pressure and conflict they feel inside in response to the normal food and social activities of the season. Their internal suffering and pain are often hidden from those around them by their continual remarks about "being fat," or may also be hidden in their patterns of avoidance and withdrawal from social involvements."The secrecy and lying make it very difficult for me during the holiday season. I have to decide whether to restrict my food or to binge and then sneak away to purge." -Twenty-two-year-old-woman."Having an eating disorder during the holidays presents quite a contradiction in my mind. I anticipate all the food and get excited, while at the same time I dread the many family members around. I feel that the family is over to "watch". I know that they simply want to reach out and help, but I feel that a big help would be to make a concerted effort to shift the holiday focus from the food to the underlying purpose. I wish the food could be a minor deal, just an accessory to the holiday, rather than the focus." -Twenty-year-old woman
It is not your job to fix or solve the eating disorder. It is your job to encourage nourishment of the body and provide nourishment to the soul. Working too hard to stop the eating disorder behaviors during the holidays can fuel dishonesty and defensiveness which actually feeds the problem. You are not responsible to say or do everything right. Nothing you do or not do will take away your friend or family member's own responsibility to overcome and recover from their eating disorder. She/he is the only one who can do that job, but you can care, empathize, encourage, and share the process with them. The good intent you express is often more helpful than what is actually said or done. If your friend or family member knows that your heart is on their side, then you become a source of comfort, support, and safety to them.These general holiday suggestions by patients and professionals are not a complete list, but they do emphasize some positive approaches to help and support someone suffering with an eating disorder. The specific ideas, strategies, and agreements that can come out of your interactions with your loved one before and during the holidays will allow these ideas to be personalized and unique for each situation. Remember also, that the person struggling with the eating disorder has her own list of positive things that she can do to help her through the holiday season as well. We hope this article is helpful in better understanding the significant and difficult ordeal those who suffer from eating disorders will face at this season of the year. We hope this awareness and understanding will help us identify the best gifts of the holidays for those we love and care so much about at this time of year.
I believe that as long as the media continues to idolize thin celebrities, the effects of education about the dangers of eating disorders through the media will not be effective. For each step that they take forward to solve the problem, they take two steps back by continuing to idolize thin celebrities. It is not a question of what effects have a greater likelihood of causing an eating disorder, but it is a fact that media does contribute to people developing and maintaining eating disorders. There are other causes of eating disorders, such as interpersonal or biological factors, but if the problem of media influencing eating disorders can be changed, there will be fewer cases of eating disorders. We have to take one step at a time in order to solve this very serious problem of eating disorders, and a great place to start is to change the fact that media influences eating disorders. There is not one cause of eating disorders, but media is a big influence to them since media reaches so many people. Personally, I think that group therapy very helpful in the treatment process of an eating disorder. Victims of an eating disorder are able to ask questions and receive answers in order to better understand their situation.
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At Center for Change, we have asked many patients over the years to share from their private experiences what the Holidays have been like during the years they suffered with an eating disorder. The women quoted in this article are of different ages, but all suffered with the illness for many years. As you read the following passages you will feel something of the agony of suffering with an eating disorder at this festive time of year.
"My life with an eating disorder during the holidays is a living hell - constant hiding and fear, confused about life and hating every moment being surrounded by food. There was so much pressure, so many stares and glances, and days with endless comments. My whole life was a mess. There was so much pain and guilt inside of me and I didn't know where to turn, except to my eating disorder. I hated the pressure of eating the food, the constant worrying of offending others." -Twenty-two-year-old woman "It's hard to be around all the food and festivities. When I'm hurting inside and struggling with what "normal" food portions even are, I need the help, emotional understanding, and support of family and other people. "Handle with care, but please handle." Accept me the way I am. Let me back in the family" -Twenty-three-year-old woman.The Hidden Beast of Holiday Feasts Tales of Bulimia and Binge Eating.On the other end of the eating disorder spectrum, a woman with severe bulimia or binge eating disorder finds the holidays are a genuine nightmare because there is so much emphasis on food that they become preoccupied with it. Binge eating and subsequent purges become even more prevalent because many of the foods and sweets that are associated with holiday celebrations are very enticing to them. The holidays can be a time of convenient indulgence, but also a time of great shame and self-reproach because of their secret life. Some even use the binge eating and/or purging as a form of self-punishment throughout the holidays.
Women who suffer with binge eating or bulimia often live out this painful eating disorder hell in private and in secret, and often feel great self contempt. To many of their family and friends things may look positive and normal even while the sufferer feels significant despair and negativity about their loss of self-control. Those whose family members know about their eating disorder carry this awful feeling that they are the main attraction at the holiday dinner, where every trip to the food or to the bathroom is seen as a major defeat and disappointment to their family.Christmas is the hardest time with my bulimia. So much food, so much love, and so much joy, but I could not feel the love or joy, so I indulged in the food as a replacement. It was hard to see everyone so happy before I made the trek to the bathroom. I felt unworthy to be happy. I didn't deserve the love and joy. I've discovered that if I can focus on the love and joy, everything else falls into place" -Eighteen-year-old-woman
Some of the painful consequences of binge eating and bulimia are found in the time, planning, and dishonesty that is required to protect and cover up their eating disorder during the holidays. They often feel hatred for themselves for the ongoing deception to family and friends to excuse or explain their behaviors. In addition, they live in constant fear of being "found out" by their significant others, or in fear of continually letting others down because of their inability to stop their compulsive behaviors. Family and Friends - Turning Potential Triggers into Gifts of Support Holiday ideals epitomize what is good about family and other personal relationships. Activities during this time of year can involve family members and friends in intense and often emotional ways. Unfortunately, those with eating disorders can find it terrifying to be emotionally close with other people. In such situations they may feel vulnerable and unsafe, and then revert to their eating disorder to restore a sense of control and self-protection.
Some family dynamics, such as conflict, can be triggering to those with eating disorder difficulties. Struggles with perfectionism, feelings of rejection, disapproval, and fear of being controlled, are all cited frequently by women who suffer with the illness. Harboring strong feelings and beliefs that parents, family members, or friends find them unacceptable, inadequate, or disappointing is challenging for anyone, but is particularly devastating to someone with a painful eating disorder. Being immersed in a family setting during the holidays has the potential to dredge up old issues, fears, conflicts, and worries about family relationships. The resulting emotional disruption can feed the eating disorder and exacerbate the problem.Holidays, with all the food and family commotion, are pure hell when you have an eating disorder. For me, when the focus isn't on food and is on the real reason for the holiday, it's a big help. My family helped me out with this one, but I had to do most of it internally. Remember, it's just food, and we have more power than food." -Thirty-nine-year-old woman
The following suggestions resulted from a survey question we asked patients in treatment: "What three suggestions do you have for family and friends who want to help the holiday season go a little better for a loved one suffering with an eating disorder?" The women offering these suggestions range in age from fourteen to forty-four, and their suggestions offer some valuable insight and understanding that could be helpful to you as a friend or a family member. Being compassionate about the struggles of the eating disorder illness can help make the Holidays less of a battle for those you love. The suggestions are: Do not make a big issue about what your loved one is eating. A little bit of encouragement is okay. - Do not focus too much on food, it may only fuel the eating disorder. - Ask her how she is doing and see if she needs any help. - Do not become angry about how the she feels, just do your best to support her. - Offer a lot of support and be aware of what may be creating anxiety and try and understand what she feels. Be understanding, kind, and supportive. - Spend quality time with your loved one. - Make sure that the primary focus of the holiday is not on the food but rather on the family and the valued time you will share together. - Allow for other activities that do not involve food, such as games, singing carols together, opening gifts, decorating, and spending time just talking together. - Allow her to make a dish that she would feel comfortable eating. - Before the Holiday itself, and before family gatherings, make agreements about how you can best help your loved one with food. Honor the agreements you make. - Do not give her loud and attention drawing praise when she does eat. - Do not talk about diets, weight loss, or weight gain. It causes great anxiety and may increase a felt need to engage in eating disorder behavior. - Do not stare. - Learn enough about the illness and the triggers to help your loved one develop skills as well as strategies to defy eating disorder thoughts and urges. - Know something about her struggles, triggers, and behaviors. Then, if you see those, you can approach her after a meal in private and suggest ways she might be helped in some of those behaviors and learn ways you can be helpful and supportive. - If you see her struggling, ask if she wants to talk, but ask this in private. - Focus on how she is feeling inside, what issues she is worrying about, what her fears are, what she needs, rather than just how much she is eating or not eating. - Try not to focus too much attention on the eating disordered behaviors. - Be patient and nurturing. - Treat her with love and respect no matter what is going on. - Let her know that she is loved. - Help her take her mind off of food by generating a conversation with her about general or important topics. - Don't allow her to excessively isolate. - Be there for her emotionally and physically with hugs and messages of love.
The importance of these quotes from clients in treatment for anorexia is found in their honest expression of the tremendous pressure and conflict they feel inside in response to the normal food and social activities of the season. Their internal suffering and pain are often hidden from those around them by their continual remarks about "being fat," or may also be hidden in their patterns of avoidance and withdrawal from social involvements."The secrecy and lying make it very difficult for me during the holiday season. I have to decide whether to restrict my food or to binge and then sneak away to purge." -Twenty-two-year-old-woman."Having an eating disorder during the holidays presents quite a contradiction in my mind. I anticipate all the food and get excited, while at the same time I dread the many family members around. I feel that the family is over to "watch". I know that they simply want to reach out and help, but I feel that a big help would be to make a concerted effort to shift the holiday focus from the food to the underlying purpose. I wish the food could be a minor deal, just an accessory to the holiday, rather than the focus." -Twenty-year-old woman
It is not your job to fix or solve the eating disorder. It is your job to encourage nourishment of the body and provide nourishment to the soul. Working too hard to stop the eating disorder behaviors during the holidays can fuel dishonesty and defensiveness which actually feeds the problem. You are not responsible to say or do everything right. Nothing you do or not do will take away your friend or family member's own responsibility to overcome and recover from their eating disorder. She/he is the only one who can do that job, but you can care, empathize, encourage, and share the process with them. The good intent you express is often more helpful than what is actually said or done. If your friend or family member knows that your heart is on their side, then you become a source of comfort, support, and safety to them.These general holiday suggestions by patients and professionals are not a complete list, but they do emphasize some positive approaches to help and support someone suffering with an eating disorder. The specific ideas, strategies, and agreements that can come out of your interactions with your loved one before and during the holidays will allow these ideas to be personalized and unique for each situation. Remember also, that the person struggling with the eating disorder has her own list of positive things that she can do to help her through the holiday season as well. We hope this article is helpful in better understanding the significant and difficult ordeal those who suffer from eating disorders will face at this season of the year. We hope this awareness and understanding will help us identify the best gifts of the holidays for those we love and care so much about at this time of year.
I believe that as long as the media continues to idolize thin celebrities, the effects of education about the dangers of eating disorders through the media will not be effective. For each step that they take forward to solve the problem, they take two steps back by continuing to idolize thin celebrities. It is not a question of what effects have a greater likelihood of causing an eating disorder, but it is a fact that media does contribute to people developing and maintaining eating disorders. There are other causes of eating disorders, such as interpersonal or biological factors, but if the problem of media influencing eating disorders can be changed, there will be fewer cases of eating disorders. We have to take one step at a time in order to solve this very serious problem of eating disorders, and a great place to start is to change the fact that media influences eating disorders. There is not one cause of eating disorders, but media is a big influence to them since media reaches so many people. Personally, I think that group therapy very helpful in the treatment process of an eating disorder. Victims of an eating disorder are able to ask questions and receive answers in order to better understand their situation.
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